Inane Ramblings of the Boy Who Lived Again
by ellaevans12
Summary: Title is pretty self explanatory.. written for Severus Addicted who gave me my first review on here. Harry's thoughts about everything. Basically his brain is babbling. Rating for language. Spoilers for DH.
1. Ramblings from the Mind of Harry Potter

**A/N: This story is dedicated to Severus Addicted who gave me my first review on and it was so sweet! So heres to you, SA!**

**(See what happens when you review? I love you forever and ever!)**

**Oh, yeah, I don't own him, no matter how much I wish I did and I am nothing but a poor University student who owns a cat and not much else. No matter how cute my kitty is he is a bit of a brat. He also has sharp claws. So try and sue me and I will sic him on you..**

**Ok, I'm done.**

**REVIEW! kthx.**

Just like that it was over.

Harry's sense of disbelief was overshadowed by his pure, unadulterated exhaustion which permeated every iota of his body. He spent a year to get here, to this place. A year.

And it was over.

Rather then contemplate where exactly he was to go now and what exactly he was to do, Harry chose to pass out in the Gryffindor Tower dorms for 3 days straight, waking up once to eat, relieve himself, and go back to sleep. The people around him were flabbergasted, but they understood. For Harry's part, it wasn't only the exhaustion that confined him to his bed for 3 days but the overwhelming grief that, like the exhaustion had 3 days earlier, permeated every iota of his being. He knew eventually it would fade to a dull ache, he had been through this oh.. once or twice before after all, but the extent of the grief was far worse. When he lost the others, it was one at a time, and while the grief was great.. this time, it was magnified tenfold because it was so fast, and for him.

Thats what tore up Harry the most, he knew they wouldn't have died if it wasn't for him. Not just Lupin or Tonks or Colin or Fred or the numerous others that had lain in the Great Hall not 3 days ago, but Sirius and Dumbledore and.. Snape. Harry never though he could feel such complex emotions about Severus Snape, hadn't really had the chance to appreciate the memories for all they were worth just yet honestly. But in the end, Snape.. Professor Snape had died for him. Knowingly and willingly. And what do you say to that? The man seemed to hate him for all of his life and now, all of a sudden, it comes to light that he didn't actually hate him no matter how hard he tried. Harry wasn't stupid, he knew it was because of his mother that Snape took any action toward him at all, not necessarily Harry himself, but still, the amount he sacrificed.

Snape, Harry conceded, should have been in Gryffindor.

And his thoughts were babbling to him. He knew it would take time to even comprehend the last year fully but he felt.. relieved. It was _over_. No more Voldemort, no more Death Eaters. He didn't have to constantly be on guard for fear of an attack or a vision. His head was blissfully pain free. The losses were catastrophic. To the degree that Harry was partially numb from actually feeling so much at once. He knew those 3 days a part of him was actually hiding from the world. He wasn't sure if he could face it just yet.

It was over.

Harry wondered if he said it enough, would he believe it? Intellectually he knew, yes, it was over. The battle was over, he had won, hooray and all that. But it just didn't seem real that after everything that had happened, it was actually over. And he had died. That was a place Harry definitely wasn't ready to go. He had actually died. Knowingly and willingly, fully expecting never to see Ron or Hermoine or.. Ginny. Ginny, now that was a subject he couldn't get in to just yet. She was the reason he had the courage to die. Better make sure not to mention that to her _just_ yet, maybe give her some time to cope with events first. I mean, not exactly something every girl wants to hear right? "Hey Ginny, your the reason I was able to die.." Hmm should probably think of a better way to phrase it too.

Again with the babbling thoughts. Harry supposed its what happens when you hunt for a year for horcruxes of all things for it all to come down to you dying, coming back to life, and defeating the Greatest bloody Dark Wizard ever, or whatever. Personally Harry thought Voldemort was kind of dim. I mean, here he was, a seventeen year old boy who just defeated this uber-wizard?! seriously. If Ol' Voldie wasn't so concerned with trying to _kill_ him all the time he might have actually used whatever brains were left in that desecrated snake skin he called a body and put it to good use. I mean, really, all because he had to use Harry's blood. Oh Tom, maybe you should have paid a bit more attention in classes instead of releasing a bloody basilisk on the bloody school. Idiot.

Ok so he was still in the disbelief stage. He was aware his mind was making inane rambling as he tried not to deal with the real issue here.

It was over.

And they were dead.

Lupin, his last link to his parents, the last marauder. Tonks, the quirky Auror who meant so much to Harry, and to Remus. They were gone and left Teddy alone. In that moment, Harry realized how much Teddy emulated himself. Minus the megalomaniac-who-tried-to-kill-him-but-the-curse-backfired thing. Harry was angry at them for leaving Teddy alone, another orphan from the war, but at the same time he couldn't be because he knew that they only died to save.. well not him, well sort of him, but to defeat Riddle so he _wouldn't_ try and kill Teddy, or, you know, anyone else. Ugh, did that even make sense? Perhaps it was time to leave Gryffindor Tower and face everyone. But how could he? Oh Fred. He never imagined. How could anyone imagine George without Fred or vice versa. He was crushed by Fred's loss. He never really considered that he would lose any of the Weasleys, it just didn't seem feasible. There was a close call with Ginny, which his heart skipped a beat at remembering even now, but Fred. Never in a million years would he have imagines Fred being gone. Fred couldn't be dead, he had a thousand more pranks to pull, so many more punch lines to finish. He knew eventually George would be Ok, even though right now he would be completely devastated and lost. Eventually George would start laughing and joking because he knew, better then anyone, that that was what Fred was about and to do any different would dishonor his memory.

He couldn't help but think that so many people must be angry with him. Their deaths.. oh Colin, _why_ didn't you leave with the others?.. Their deaths were on him, like Riddle said. He gave him a chance to turn himself over and stop it. Harry knew it wouldn't have mattered, that they were right to fight, that people made that choice to fight Riddle and end it. He knew it wasn't really him, he wasn't so arrogant to think that his life dictated everyone else's. But it didn't help his guilt complex. He _felt_ like it was all his fault, no matter how irrational. He couldn't help it. People around him died, they always had. He was just glad that it was over now, hopefully. That maybe, just maybe he could be normal now.

Harry snorted at that thought. He was the Boy-Who-Lived-Again, the slayer of Voldemort, the savior, yadda yadda. No way would he ever be left in peace. He'd be stared and gawked at for the rest of his natural born life. Joy. Well at least he'll have a naturally long life. He didn't have to worry about some. thing. killing him before he was 18. Oh wait, been there, done that.

And wouldn't you be angry if you knew that? That he, Harry Potter, had died, again, and still managed to survive. Always him. Why didn't Fred get that chance? Or Lupin or Tonks or Colin? How fair was it that he got chance after chance after chance but no one else did? He had intended to die and it still didn't take. Seriously, he wasn't sure how anyone could forgive him..

Speaking of dying, his chest _hurt_. Must be where the curse hit. Bloody hell! What a bruise! Well, guess he didn't come out _completely_ unscathed. Wasn't sure if there was a scar there, had to take a closer look at that when he wasn't sitting in the dark.

Oh hell, guess he was awake then. Suppose 3 days is long enough.

Time to face the world..

**A/N: Please Review! This chapter was completely.. well, rambling craziness, I'm not sure if anyone is interested but I'm going to keep writing anyway. This is all Harry's thought process, which is why its so jumbled. Can't really blame the guy.**

** Tell me what you think! Review!**


	2. Continued Thoughts of a Rambling Nature

**Please Review!**

**A/N: Do I need to say it? If I owned it I would own more then a cat.**

The first face he was greeted with upon walking down the dormitory steps was the tear streaked one of Mrs. Molly Weasley herself. Harry had thought to avoid her for perhaps another day yet, when he had gathered the courage to face her. As it was he couldn't bear to look her in the eyes even as she gave a small squeal and rushed to hug him.

They had been worried.

Well, duh, he told himself. He had just slept for 3 days. That is not normal. Harry justified it to himself by recalling the past year and those final exhausting days searching and destroying the final horcruxes and, of course, the battle. Anybody who had gone through what he had deserved a 3 day nap. Speaking of which, where were Ron and Hermoine? Merlin knows those two needed it as much as he did. For the time being though he was stuck here with Mrs. Weasley. Every tear streak he saw cut in to him a little more.

It was his fault.

But it wasn't, not really. He didn't cast the spell that caused Fred's death. He might as well have, he reminded himself, they were fighting to buy him time after all. He tried to shake these thoughts away but they were stubborn, latching to his psyche unwilling to be fettered in their draining emotional drama. Harry knew he had an.. issue with blaming himself for everything bad that happened. But honestly, who wouldn't?

At the present time Harry could no longer think except to concentrate on breathing air in to his lungs. It seems part of the way Mrs. Weasley wanted to make sure he was all right was by suffocating him and draining every drop of precious air from his body in the tightest hug Harry had ever experienced in his short, but oh so long, life.

Ah, breathe in. Breathe out. Repeat.

Seems like he cheated Death once more, ah Ha! Harry wondered how long it took for air deprivation to make you delirious..

Oh no. Arthur and Bill and Charlie and.. Percy. Hmm he didn't think he had ever seem Percy look so.. depressed. But of course Harry could understand that. Wouldn't be surprised if Percy was blaming himself for Fred, actually, though Harry had the market squared away on the Guilt Complex.

They had all been crying, that much was obvious. But they all hugged him and smiled their sad little smiles, congratulating him on his victory. Harry was sure they all knew what he was really thinking, although since _Harry_ wasn't quite sure what Harry was thinking he didn't know how they could. But they always did have that knack about them. Though, is it a knack or did he just make a pattern out of blaming himself?

Well most likely the latter, but it seemed as if he had a right to. After all the whole Sirius thing could have been avoided easy enough but he was just too Stupid and.. Okaayy, not going there. Not thinking about it. No siree.

They all chuckled at the loud rumble that emerged from the cavern Harry supposed his stomach was hiding in. Mrs. Weasley was insisting he looked peaky and to go eat. He always looked peaky to her, no helping it, he supposed. Never did get enough to eat at the Dursleys..

He wondered if they were alright. Seemed Dudley had had a bit of a change of heart last time he saw him. Much as he hated Uncle Vernon he didn't want to have more blood on his hands. If they died it really would be because of him, unequivocally. Harry didn't know if he could deal with that.

Bloody hell he was hungry. Seems he woke the beast with all this thinking. Never could quite turn the brain off, blissful though it may have been. Darn. Mmm that smells good. Heavenly scents that always reminded him of Hogwarts. Those house-elves were bloody brilliant cooks..

Oh Dobby.

Whoa! Jeez, where they _trying_ to give him a heart attack? Pretty sure his quota on free lives was almost up. Though if he was part cat he had, what, 6 lives left? Something like that, doesn't really matter. But speaking of Ron and Hermoine.. sheesh a guy needs to breathe. There's a lot of that squeezing Harry to death thing going round. Don't want to use up the rest of those lives.. though he was reasonably sure he was Not part cat, you never know in the Wizarding World, do you. Plus he was woefully lacking in knowledge of his family history..

Sheesh, no need to try and pull the arm off. Not like he wasn't going to get something eat anyway, what with his standing in the doorway of the Great Hall. He was starving. Didn't eat much in the days before the Battle either so his nutrition was pretty rotten right about now, though that was nothing new the Dursl.. Ok, Ok, eating now.

Harry wondered where Ginny was. And George. Maybe they were together, he hoped so. He knew the funeral was tomorrow. Seems they were waiting for him. And to be able to, doesn't seem like much could get done but preparing. Lupin and Tonks weren't buried yet either..

Oh _God._ If that doesn't kill an appetite. How could he eat? Especially here, right here, were they had all lain.. Merlin, Lupin and Tonks..

Where was Teddy? Harry hoped he was ok. Teddy was left with Andromeda so he probably was but he just needed to see him. Didn't want Teddy to be much more like him then he already was, though he didn't think Lupin _or_ Tonks had Dursley-esque relatives, or many other relatives left really, but it wouldn't hurt to make sure.

And.. And then what? He was the boys godfather which meant.. was he supposed to take him in? Raise him? Not that he wouldn't just Harry didn't know if he could, not like he was raised in a proper family, besides he was _messed up._ Couldn't even think properly.

His brain was babbling like a bumbling baboon.

Ugh, Cedric. Ok, Stop, stop, STOP. He couldn't possibly think of _every _person who had died because of him.. stupid guilt complex, there it goes again.. in the span of one day without risking his sanity. Though, Harry mused, he may not have much of that left.

He still had that odd numb feeling that was from feeling too many feelings. Hmm yeah, sanity definitely in question. It was too much, there were too many people, he just wanted to get away. Harry knew Ron and Hermoine would understand, at least to a degree, not that he did. He just spent 3 days in total seclusion, he should rejoin civilization..

Well, baby steps then. He spotted Luna just outside the doors and made his way to her, head down to avoid unwanted conversation. He looked at her giving his sad half smile thing that he was sure made him look semi, well, challenged, but Luna only took his hand and led him outside.

Ahh, blissful air. Fresh, sweet air, how he had missed thee. It was a liberating feeling and he didn't realize until now just how claustrophobic he had been in the castle. Which is odd really since the castle is so much bigger then his cupboard under the stairs and he was never claustrophobic there. Oh well, must be that pesky sanity thing bothering about again.

Luna was quiet, didn't say a word. She was just. there. Of which Harry was oddly grateful. She always seemed to know what to do.

He wondered if Hogwarts would ever look the same again. There was so much damage and even just sitting here he could see the devastation that had been wrought from the Battle, even after they had begun repairs. The Lake was littered with pieces of the outer wall, the grounds had burn patches and ditches where spells went awry. Harry could imagine the very ground being blood soaked from the many casualties. Wonder if anyone had fallen right here, where he was sitting..

Probably shouldn't make such sudden movements after laying prone for so long. He may have pulled something.. Oh well, may as well add it to the list of injuries he had acquired. Should probably go get fixed up. Not that he had much more then numerous cuts and bruises. Well, there was his chest. But he should probably wait until he was alone to check that out again, didn't want to freak out Luna more then he already had, he supposed. Oh she's leaving now, going back inside. Maybe he should too, then. There has to be so much to do.. Probably should go see McGonagall anyway, seeing as she was most likely the new Headmistress, see if he could help with anything.

Would Hogwarts ever be the same?

Probably not. Didn't know if he would be able to come back here, really. But thats stupid, Hogwarts was his first home. And this is where it ended. _It was Over!_ He shouldn't stay away because of pesky memories. He did have good ones too. Time, Harry supposed, would tell.

For now he wanted to go find Ginny.

**A/N: Again, its a chapter of rambling craziness but is it good rambling craziness or bad rambling craziness?**

**Should I switch to make the story happen outside of his head or keep going how it is?**

**Next chapter he's going to encounter Ginny, don't know who else just yet. We may even find out what's up with his chest. It's not like I really plan this out before I write..**

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